What a crazy emotion to feel.
Like when you really feel it, it’s like someone stabbed you right in the gut, but you’re familiar with it, because you’ve felt it so many times before.
She’s like an old friend… a friend who loves how much they hurt you.
Becoming aware of my deep fear of rejection is liberating, yet doesn’t surprise me because it makes so much sense. It explains why my first thought when I try something new is,
“it’s going to fail”.
It explains why I feel cozier freezing in action.
It explains so much.
Rejection has been in my life for… decades at this point. I’m so used to it either happening, or, believing it’s going to happen. It’s so exhausting in my brain, let me tell you.
…
See, like even now, I paused in my writing and immediately began thinking about how people will reject my writing. It’s such a betrayel in my psyche, and yet it continues to happen right on cue.
I’m aware of it.
And I know that both sides of thinking keep me from being in the most important place. The present.
I’m aware of it. I see that fear. And I’ve been trying to move through fear by doing things that scare me. Like today, I went and played disc golf in the woods by myself, and I was more afraid of the bugs and the animal sounds I was hearing than being a young female alone in the woods. Although the thought did cross my mind. At one point, my disc flew into a bush with catepillars crawling on it, and I was terrified of reaching my hand over and grabbing my disc. Like, terrified. I stood there for five minutes trying to get myself to stop thinking about how the catepillars could fall on my head and crawl down my shirt.
But eventually I did it. I moved through that fear. I grabbed my disc.
I know this has nothing to do with rejection, but if I can move through other fears, one day I’ll move through my fear of rejection. I guess that’s a silly way to heal, but hey, it hasn’t failed me so far.
We’ll see how this goes.
Peace,
Eb
Perfect description of the life of a writer.