Growing up, well into my twenties, I yearned for real love; the kind of love that makes you smile when you witness it happen to random strangers. The kind of love that runs wide, deep, and raw. Fearless, confident, unifying love.
For a very long time, I instead, settled for confusing, delusional, dramatic love; the kind of love that turns you into the worst type of person (unconsciously and not). The kind of love that makes you lie to yourself, and others, in order to exist.
As a kid, I yearned for real love, but didn't have a clear example on what that was. My parents divorced when I was a preteen and clearly weren't happy with each other before then; and I was a quiet, nerdy-ass black girl who didn't have the alleged "high school sweetheart" everyone else had. I didn't even have a prom date (to both proms mind you). So, of course, this lead to deep confidence and insecurity issues. It didn't help the one time a guy did seem interested in me, he completely ghosted me after I refused to blow him in the backseat of his car…
Is that what love is? Saying yes even when I want to say no? If so, boy was I great at that after that incident! I went from "I'm saving sex until marriage" to "I'll do whatever you want as long as you love me". Sex was the price for love and I was willing to pay the price, even though I knew deep down I didn't want to, nor was that love.
I didn't encounter real love until I was 24 years old. It didn't hit me until I ended a three-year disaster of a situationship after I found out he was seeing three other women besides me. It didn't hit me until I decided I could not put a man's needs in front of my own heart anymore. Love doesn't mean whore yourself out or be a doormat for anyone to walk all over and use when needed. "But, if I just love him hard enough he'll finally choose me!"... yeah right. Self love was the real love I needed all along.
Self love was the real love that knocked me on my head and told me to show up for myself first, before I can begin to even think of having a partner. My knight and shining armor coming to whisk me off my feet doesn't exist until I can look in the mirror and be in awe of the person I see before me.
Sadly, self love isn't known when you're growing up with fighting parents, facing borderline poverty, and questioning your entire existence. Self love isn't known when your body and your trust has been betrayed many times before the age of 10. Self love isn't known when majority of encounters with men end up with you being ghosted and blocked and questioning what you did wrong this time.
The thoughts of not being good enough consumed me. To the point I almost took my own life over it.
Did I smell?
Were my tits not big enough?
Was I one of those crazy girls and didn't even know it?
Or maybe I was just plain boring and ugly, always meant to be used and never loved.
Turns out, none of those were true, I just needed to set boundaries and understand my wants, and needs, and existence matters too. I just needed to see that I'm valuable and deserving and understand rejection doesn't mean something's wrong with me. I just needed to give the deep, devoted, forgiving love I give others, to myself.
I never realized how harmful these thoughts and beliefs were but they were ruining me. They were hurting my body, hurting my heart, and hurting my soul. Self love brought me answers to physical ailments I was dealing with for years. My womb was aching for my love for so long, and I neglected her for years.
As women, we aren't taught how our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs affect our health, especially reproductive health. We aren't taught how to love our unique bodies, but instead how to alter them with drugs, surgery, and makeup. We aren't taught how divinely sacred we are.
Traditional Western Medicine knows the sacred divinity of women, though. Traditional Western Medicine knows emotional imbalance leads to physical imbalance. Traditional Western Medicine knows how imperative it is for women to feel safe and comfortable for optimum bodily performance and function, especially sexually.
We need to be with partners that we trust and feel secure with. How long that takes varies from woman to woman but is important nonetheless, so if you're with someone or pursuing someone who isn't cultivating and nourishing or downright betraying that, may it be time you rethink their existence in your life.
This isn't to say that men suck; quite the contrary. Men are just as sacred as we. This, "I hate men", talk that's infiltrated the women's psyche has got to stop.
However.
Be selective in who you open up to, physically and emotionally.
We're allowing another's energy, emotions, and hygienic conditions inside of our being. That is a sacred act and should be considered carefully. Be firm in your boundaries and vocal when disrespected. Be proud of who you are and show up for yourself.
True love exists.
Real love exists. But, it starts with you. You must love yourself wholeheartedly (mistakes, bad habits, and all) so you're not blinded by your insecurities, fear, and false beliefs.
When you experience real love from yourself and a partner (who you trust and trusts you), woo baby it's amazing. It's everything you've always wanted and more. It makes you want to be better, not only for yourself, but for them; and for you both as a unit.
Cultivating love for yourself after feeling the opposite for decades is quite the journey. It's not the easiest, there will be tears, anger, shame, weaknesses in boundaries, and tons of snacks; but one day you'll wake up grateful for it all and happy you came out of it stronger, wiser, and hotter.
Real love is an endless journey, but it's worth it.
It's absolutely worth it.
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